Sometimes, there is NOT a reason...

I sit in grief as I write this. A close cousin in my family has passed away, suddenly and tragically, leaving behind a husband and 2 young sons.  What has caused me to reflect on this post is the number of people who say "Everything happens for a reason..."  

Well, no. It does not. Sometimes, things just happen. There is no rhyme or cosmic reason or lesson from God or pre-destined journey of the soul. Sometimes, a blood vessel bursts in your brain with no warning and you're gone, leaving people in shock and wondering WHY???? We won't ever know why because there is no why, there is only that it happened and we hurt.

Having lost a beloved brother several years ago, I actually can empathize with my cousin's siblings (also cousins, of course) and my mom can help her brother and sister-in-law navigate the haze of seemingly unending grief of losing a child. But trying to find an explanation for an unexplainable event only causes more pain because the fact there is no answer seems like a yawning chasm of hopelessness for the foreseeable future.  I weep for my cousin, her husband and kids, my aunt, uncle and cousins who are bereft of her amazing self. I pray they will receive comfort and be allowed to grieve their loss instead of dealing with people who are uncomfortable with tragic events and can only offer platitudes in place of genuine help.

Death happens, sometimes happily at the end of a long life well-lived, and sometimes tragically, for no reason at all. We are not good at death in this era. It has been sanitized and pushed under the rug so that we aren't sure how to process it when it touches our immediate circle. We could learn a lot from the cultures that understand that death is here to stay, so we should deal with the loss of our loved ones in an open and respectful way, not try to shut down the grieving family by telling them there is a reason for everything. Trust me, it's the least comforting thing you can say...

Life also continues as today we celebrate my eldest's birthday (24), and the joyful news of several friends expecting babies and the latest report that our strategies for success at work are actually working. So, in light of devastating grief, I can still be grateful for 3 things, and that will help frame the loss at a time when I can't begin to understand it.

Today, I am grateful because.... IT"S OVER 32°!!!

Today (and yesterday) the temps here in the frigid Midwest finally made it above 32°.  It feels like flying, like being let out of jail, passing go and collecting $200!!  In October, 45° felt like a sub-Arctic experience. Today, it feels like shorts & flip-flops ;)  

Which goes to show, perspective is a beautiful thing when we are mindful of it.  Today, I am grateful for 45°,  October - not so much!  This is why gratitude is such a grounding, mindful practice. Shifting your frame of reference even just a micro-degree can give you a whole new way of looking at a thought, situation or feeling.  I'm not an advocate for a Pollyanna worldview. I am, however, an advocate for finding the lesson in the inevitable negativity that plagues us in a fear-based media and political system.  We can overcome them - by mindfully asking ourselves to get in touch with what's really going on, examining it and then releasing it.  Since things only last for a fleeting moment, having the perspective that things are temporary (if not illusory) can keep you centered, grounded and present.

SO, for today's PRACTICE, I ask you to look outside the closest window (even if you have to get up to go find one), look at the first thing you see and express gratitude and thanks toward it. (GRATITUDE is a feeling you have, THANKS is expressing that gratitude to yourself, the people and things in your life or your view of the moment. So, for all my beloved grammar geeks, gratitude is a noun & thanks is a verb).  Breathe in as you scan the landscape seeing all the amazing things we sometimes don't pay attention to - one leaf still clinging to the maple tree, a patch of grass peeking through the snow, a robin - OMGosh, A ROBIN!!! If you live in the Midwest or the Northeast, I have a feeling being grateful for the springtime will take on new dimensions this year - and for that we can be grateful for a long, cold, snowy winter! That's PROGRESS people & it's happening NOW.

No, NO, 1000 times NO!!!

This week, the word NO has been making its way into my conciousness in so many places.  

Can you say NO??? For so many years, I couldn't. I was wracked with guilt that someone might not like me or I would look lazy or uncommitted.  Like so many women, my worthiness was tied to my busy-ness and what a mistake that was! In seeking to do more and prove something, I actually did less and did it less well. And boy, did I have a self-righteous chip on my shoulder.  So much unnecessary drama, so much unnecessary hurt and bitterness and anger. I got so tired of walking around that way.  Whether you love her or hate her, Oprah Winfrey contributed greatly to my journey of person/self-hood.  Her introduction to Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance changed my life, my perspective and my attitude. 

We never know what's going to happen to us from moment to moment, so constantly counting your blessings, stopping to breathe and reframe your response, and learning to say NO are three of the most important skills I learned to use to become a calmer, happier person.  It's not OK to constantly feel guilty, resentful and bitter. It hurts your health, it hurts your relationships, it hurts your bottom line. When I started saying no, it gave others a chance to say yes - then the work got spread around, other ideas (better than mine) were allowed in and projects/family/life got less difficult and more enjoyable. 

NO is a blessing - it is about setting healthy boundaries, taking care of yourself and giving others the opportunity to contribute. Let them give their gifts too, you'll have more satisfying, deeper relationships and perspectives as a result.

If you don't enjoy your life right now, look at your commitments. Cut them in half. Watch your life unfold into everything you want it to be. It is not your responsibility to keep your Messiah Complex going. It IS your responsibility to forgive yourself, take care of yourself and watch the opportunities you receive bloom into the ones you want to grow.  

We always have choices - see the PRACTICES page for information about choice points and how they impact the everyday. Remember, in an infinite universe, there is room for everyone - competition is an unnecessary component in a healthy life. Let go and say NO!!

Stress as a virtue...

I had an entire post written about this, but did a classic goof-up.  I didn't save before I previewed, went back to make some changes and lost the whole thing.  This is one post that wasn't meant to be. I'll accept that and move on. Have a great week.

Tempus fugit!! Super Soul Sunday with Oprah...

My gosh, how time flies. I need to take my own advice and slow down a bit. Work, holidays & family visiting went by so fast, my poor little blog was bereft of my attention.

But, here we are again, excited to share the news that Fr. Richard Rohr was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday today. What a gift! If you have a chance to catch it, it's worth the time to find out that what you have always suspected is true, was actually Source revealing how things are all along.

Quick practice for today: 
Stop. Breathe in deeply - no, deeper than that, fill yourself all the way to your toes!
Close your eyes and breathe out s-l-o-w-l-y while repeating "relax".
Smile as you count to 20. Repeat twice.

I guarantee you'll feel a million times better in about one minute.  Back soon, love and peace to the world.

if Anderson Cooper does it...

Well, we all get to where we are on our path when we are supposed to. It's just that when Anderson Cooper gets there, it becomes mainstream, which is a good thing!  Last night, Anderson did a story on 60 minutes about mindfulness. I admit, at first felt a little concern that he was not going to to give it the importance it deserved, or talk to the people who really know what it is.  Thanks for coming through Anderson! 

He spoke to the master, my guru and the man I consider the penultimate authority on mindfulness in the Western world, Jon Kabat Zinn.  He has been bringing mindfulness to us for 40 years and NOW:
  

• Google has a full time person who leads mindfulness and stress management,
• Congress has an Ohio rep bringing it to the staffers and people on the hill and 
• they've made 60 minutes.  (Ego moment:) I was so ahead of my time!!  

Have Meditation, Will Travel has been around since 2004.  It is my Reiki practice, meditation/mindfulness coaching and stress management education company. But you shouldn't try to start a company - even when you know it's the next BIG THING - if you don't have the time to devote to it.  I split my time between my GED teaching, then went full time with that and decided that HMWT had to be a hobby, because it just wasn't going to pay me enough to get my kids through college with a minimum of debt on the other side.  So I back-burnered it and mindfulness, stress management and meditation took off without me. 

But what is it I really want it to be? In my mission statement, I say, "... full service stress management and relaxation [need to change that!] education company.  Classes are offered to teach and maintain a stress management, meditation or relaxation practice for women, couples, families, teens, ministry teams, organizational departments or anyone else who experiences stress in their life.  Workshop lengths vary from one hour to a two-day retreat and include presentation and practice of a variety of stress management, meditation and quiet prayer strategies and techniques (Have Meditation). Sessions can be set-up in a variety of locations (Will Travel) including private homes, offices, churches and community venues."  See what I mean about ahead of my time????

So, I'm really happy that 60 minutes did this story. I'm really happy that Anderson is finding his bliss and I'm glad Jon Kabat-Zinn got the credit for beginning the movement. But, (you knew there was a but coming didn't you?) the fact that I've been using this with my students in the jail classes and Lakeshore classes and adult basic education world for years does rankle the ego a bit - OK, more than a bit, I'm human!  So my journey will be to accept that if it's infinite, there's room for everyone to take part and if I really want it, I have to work for it, it's not just going to happen.  I am the Lake County, IL Google person who runs meditation/stress management classes for a big company (Like Abbott), I'm just biding my time while I finish my soul work to get there...

I am going to email the congressman about MindUP, the Goldie Hawn foundation program that's been in schools for a LONG time already.  Don't want them spending my tax dollars to reinvent the wheel!

Anyone else getting these messages???

This week, the long awaited mini-series The Red Tent, based on the book by Anita Diamante, aired on Lifetime. I'm sure they'll be replaying it often.  It is about women, sharing, connection and the (fictional) hidden ancient practices of the biblical Jacob's wives, daughters & other women.  What I loved about the book, and the miniseries, is how the women knew that they were the key to life.  They were the teachers, the nurture-ers, the connectors, the listeners. They sustained each other through sharing traditions, stories and ritual. All the things we can be if we are PRESENT to those around us, PRACTICE those ego-releasing listening skills and help our world PROGRESS to a better place.  

In that light, this morning, Parker J. Palmer had a wonderful story he shared on his FaceBook page that I also want to share. It shows that we CAN still hope, work and create a world of sharing, peace & presence. Enjoy!