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I have believed for a long time that the reason I was so stuck in perfectionism for so many years was because I didn't understand the nature of change. I wanted things to be ordered, perfect and the way they were "supposed" to be. It took years of frustration, fighting and finally, infertility to get it through my head that nothing is constant and Jon Kabat-Zin's "You can't fight the waves, but you can learn to surf" was the mantra I needed to start to understand the grip stress had on my life.
Flash forward a couple of decades and people who know me now are astonished when I share stories of the perfectionism, control issues and anger I have left behind. I finally know that there is perfection in imperfection and that being grateful for things as they are without trying to change them allows them to bloom and grow forever (like eidelweiss). :)
SO, here we are, on May 20, 2015. Both of my kids are home from college, my son has finished his Master's at Purdue and has a job waiting for him in the Big Apple in a month. Last night, he proposed to his girlfriend of 7 years and we are all pretty blissed out today. Welcome to our family, dear one!
My daughter finished her freshman year 1000 miles away and drove herself and her roomate home over the weekend. Talk about synchronicity - we have always taken our car in for a trip check, oil change, etc. before we travel. She took that life lesson ingrained from infancy and took her truck in for a check. It turned out that the u-joints and drive train needed to be replaced - they would not have made it home without a major accident. TYJ! THEN, she had to wait a day for the part they ordered to come in. Guess what? They ordered the wrong part and the right one was going to come in the next (next) day. So they had to delay their departure by a day. A minor inconvenience, they were able to work out an extra night stay at the dorm and had a friend help them get their stuff to the storage unit that they now couldn't get to with the truck "sick". All good, right? WELL, thank the Lord, Universe, Force, Guardian Angels - whichever names you associate with our benevolent, merciful Creator - the day they were supposed to leave (Friday) ended up being a horrible weather day - tornadoes, violent thunderstorms, flooding - just awful. They would have had to drive through that and who knows what they would have encountered. They came home Sat/Sun instead, didn't have a drop of rain and made it home in good time. What looked like a major inconvenience ended up being a blessing of protection and safety.
So for me, viewing these changes with a grateful heart and a calmer mind was another gift to see how far I've come in my journey. I stayed Present, Practiced detachment and breathing, and noted my Progress with gratitude for how far I've come. Baby steps have actually brought me a long way - I now view transitions as the part of life that keeps things interesting and allow them to draw me into mindful reflection of my many blessings.
Practice for today:
Take a moment to look out the window, ground yourself in the PRESENT moment. PRACTICE slowing down your breathing - Andrew Weil's In 4 - hold 7 - out 8 - (4 times) is always wonderful for calming and grounding. Notice the PROGRESS you are making learning to stop, breathe, think. I have attached a great stoplight graphic that I use in my classes as a reminder that your P3 is always up to you to use whenever you need it.
This week, the word NO has been making its way into my conciousness in so many places.
Can you say NO??? For so many years, I couldn't. I was wracked with guilt that someone might not like me or I would look lazy or uncommitted. Like so many women, my worthiness was tied to my busy-ness and what a mistake that was! In seeking to do more and prove something, I actually did less and did it less well. And boy, did I have a self-righteous chip on my shoulder. So much unnecessary drama, so much unnecessary hurt and bitterness and anger. I got so tired of walking around that way. Whether you love her or hate her, Oprah Winfrey contributed greatly to my journey of person/self-hood. Her introduction to Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance changed my life, my perspective and my attitude.
We never know what's going to happen to us from moment to moment, so constantly counting your blessings, stopping to breathe and reframe your response, and learning to say NO are three of the most important skills I learned to use to become a calmer, happier person. It's not OK to constantly feel guilty, resentful and bitter. It hurts your health, it hurts your relationships, it hurts your bottom line. When I started saying no, it gave others a chance to say yes - then the work got spread around, other ideas (better than mine) were allowed in and projects/family/life got less difficult and more enjoyable.
NO
is a blessing - it is about setting healthy boundaries, taking care of
yourself and giving others the opportunity to contribute. Let them give
their gifts too, you'll have more satisfying, deeper relationships and
perspectives as a result.
If you don't enjoy your life right now, look at your commitments. Cut them in half. Watch your life unfold into everything you want it to be. It is not your responsibility to keep your Messiah Complex going. It IS your responsibility to forgive yourself, take care of yourself and watch the opportunities you receive bloom into the ones you want to grow.
We always have choices - see the PRACTICES page for information about choice points and how they impact the everyday. Remember, in an infinite universe, there is room for everyone - competition is an unnecessary component in a healthy life. Let go and say NO!!
Well, we all get to where we are on our path when we are supposed to. It's just that when Anderson Cooper gets there, it becomes mainstream, which is a good thing! Last night, Anderson did a story on 60 minutes about mindfulness. I admit, at first felt a little concern that he was not going to to give it the importance it deserved, or talk to the people who really know what it is. Thanks for coming through Anderson!
He spoke to the master, my guru and the man I consider the penultimate authority on mindfulness in the Western world, Jon Kabat Zinn. He has been bringing mindfulness to us for 40 years and NOW:
- Google has a full time person who leads mindfulness and stress management,
- Congress has an Ohio rep bringing it to the staffers and people on the hill and
- they've made 60 minutes. (Ego moment:) I was so ahead of my time!!
Have Meditation, Will Travel has been around since 2004. It is my Reiki practice, meditation/mindfulness coaching and stress management education company. But you shouldn't try to start a company - even when you know it's the next BIG THING - if you don't have the time to devote to it. I split my time between my GED teaching, then went full time with that and decided that HMWT had to be a hobby, because it just wasn't going to pay me enough to get my kids through college with a minimum of debt on the other side. So I back-burnered it and mindfulness, stress management and meditation took off without me.
But what is it I really want it to be? In my mission statement, I say, "... full service stress management and relaxation [need to change that!]
education company. Classes are
offered to teach and maintain a stress management, meditation or relaxation
practice for women, couples, families, teens, ministry teams, organizational
departments or anyone else who experiences stress in their life. Workshop lengths vary from one hour to a two-day retreat and
include presentation and practice of a variety of stress management, meditation
and quiet prayer strategies and techniques (Have Meditation). Sessions can be
set-up in a variety of locations (Will Travel) including private homes, offices,
churches and community venues." See what I mean about ahead of my time????
So, I'm really happy that 60 minutes did this story. I'm really happy that Anderson is finding his bliss and I'm glad Jon Kabat-Zinn got the credit for beginning the movement. But, (you knew there was a but coming didn't you?) the fact that I've been using this with my students in the jail classes and Lakeshore classes and adult basic education world for years does rankle the ego a bit - OK, more than a bit, I'm human! So my journey will be to accept that if it's infinite, there's room for everyone to take part and if I really want it, I have to work for it, it's not just going to happen. I am the Lake County, IL Google person who runs meditation/stress management classes for a big company (Like Abbott), I'm just biding my time while I finish my soul work to get there...
I am going to email the congressman about MindUP, the Goldie Hawn foundation program that's been in schools for a LONG time already. Don't want them spending my tax dollars to reinvent the wheel!
If there's one thing Disney's Frozen© has done, it's to add "Let it go..." to the lexicon of mainstream America. This is a good thing, because frankly, we are all way too uptight. Our life journeys lead us to realize NOTHING MATTERS, but that's usually in our second half of life (Richard Rohr, Center for Action and Contemplation). Please don't spend your young adulthood living in perfection world. I spent a lot of time there and it made me miserable, it made everything a dramatic crisis and it made the people around me walk on eggshells. My poor husband and kids...
In 2003, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. This was my "hand of God" moment. If I had been one day earlier or later with the doctor's appointment that found it, they wouldn't have found it so early and I might not be here today. One of my mom's friend's daughters was the same age as I was and was diagnosed with the same thing at the same time. She's been gone for 10 years, I celebrated my 11 year survival in September. It was then that I realized that all the stuff I was watching on Oprah was correct. We needed to be grateful (Sarah Ban Breathnach - Simple Abundance), we needed to be mindful (Joh Kabat-Zinn - Wherever You Go, There You Are) and we needed to count our blessings with every breath.
If you haven't gotten to this point in your life yet, if you're still angry, resentful and feeling victimized, let me tell you, you're only hurting yourself by carrying that stuff around. I carried mine around as extra weight. I was just always so MAD. Then, I learned I wasn't mad at all, I was hurt and it expressed itself as anger because I felt the hurt so deeply. One of Oprah's shows was about forgiveness - I believe it was Iyanla Vanzant - but the message was that forgiveness opens the door to a peaceful, joyful life. I really think carrying around all that toxic goop is what caused my cancer. Today, while I still have to PRACTICE mindfulness, those who know me now would never recognize the person of a dozen years ago. I'd say that's PROGRESS.
So, here's a quick activity for you: Breathe in - really deeply, all the way to your toes. Now, blow it out and state out loud "I forgive myself, I forgive everyone I've ever perceived as hurting me, and I am going to LET IT GO instead of carrying it around - all of it". Great, don't you feel better?? Don't forget to check out the "practices" page for some quick and helpful PRACTICEs as you PROGRESS. Pax
I invite you to think about your life at this moment in time. Are you happy with where you are RIGHT NOW at this moment? Are there things you would change? Things you would keep? Things you'd like to add?
I've been there too. I'd like to share my journey and offer some ideas of the small changes I used to make me happier, healthier and joyful. Let me first introduce you to P3 - Present (prez-ent), Practice, Progress. This is my 3 step model for simply changing the things you want to change to improve your life in every area. I first used the P3 model in my adult basic education classroom, but then it was "Present (pree-zent), Practice, Process" - a way of teaching that allowed students to see a model, practice it, then talk about what they had just learned and decide if it was something they wanted to continue. My new model as applied here is for tracking the small changes and reflecting on them and how you will add them to your day.
So, right now, take a deep (belly) breath. Connect with yourself in this moment - are you sitting at your computer, reading on your phone or tablet? Connect with yourself where you are right now, in this PRESENT moment. This takes PRACTICE, but all the masters tell us that connecting to the breath and bringing yourself back to your breath is what it takes to be mindful, calm and centered. At the end of the day, look at your PROGRESS - can you think of one thing you did today to work toward your goals of being healthier and happier? That's progress, celebrate it. That's P3 - Present, Practice, Progress in a nutshell. It's a new way of being patient with yourself, beginning the small changes, getting unstuck and moving forward each day. It's nothing new, there are a million other blogs and people who will tell you about similar practices, but mine is based on my personal journey that I want to share with you. Good luck and please use the resources and links that have helped me.
Peace & blessings,
Have Meditation, Will Travel
